My thoughts are the only thing that keeps me going. I have life a life that I feel is dull. Am I alive am I dead. I feel, taste, I touch, and I smell, but am I there? Am I here? Surrounded by these four walls, one would think I have freedom. Freedom to come and leave as I choose; but the question is, have I? My soul is contained in a body that refuses to be free. In a room such as these I am lost no place to run, no place to hide, but yet the exit is clearly visible. I look through my mind and find nothing. I feel like I am suffocating under water inside a thick huge glass ball, impenetrable, closed and forbidden from the breath of the world. I am lost within the ball without a moment’s relief always slipping into the current of the rolling ball. My mind is rocking like and endless pendulum struggling for the truth of my existence.\
Sometimes I dream of a world with my own existence a world where I am truly free, where my mind is not as a ball or a box but as a free spirit. There are times when I sleep in the world of the phantoms, I hear secret voices whispering and telling secret stories. My dream always contradicts my thoughts. I imagine my life like that of a hamster in a ball. I search the ball for its limits and I find it difficult to find. The ball is spinning and rolling, never stopping. I never really know where I am. All I know is that, I am within the borders of some unwanted realm in some unwanted country into which I seem to be exiled and banished from. That’s it, I have been banished from my mind and thoughts, but yet I think how? No familiars are allowed to visit me in my prison. I must escape this unwanted land and return to my own true mind I must escape this ball of turmoil of disgust, of self, of mind and soul.
I grasp for air time after time I need to continue my search for freedom. Where am I? Who am I? what am I? Why is everything so unfamiliar? Why must I be so lost? The peal of my agonies has increased.
My eyes flicker and I reach for the top of the ball, steadying the ball. There are people standing around me calling my name. What is my name? Please answer, who am I, what am I? Please call me again. I try to cry but my eyes are withered and dry. I cry I cry but nothing only dry cries. I search for words nothing seems to move anymore, why has my ball stopped why has my ball failed me why has my love failed me
I start to sink faster and eventually I disappear again I am there. I am lost to the dark sad current of this unknown secret ball. It is all black. Have I died or are my eyes simply shut. I see nothing in the blinding darkness, a cease, a fold, an advantage but only for a brief second then its gone forever I do no know I simply wait.
I have been reduced to a song one verse and then no more. I cry the deepest of all cry and find no peace within myself. I weep and tears fall on my lips my tears are now my cushion upon which I am rendered to sleep. How this can be my fate I do not know, I must have more than this for a life and if this is my life, I must have died in some heinous death. I sense I am floating on a cloud again the wonderful cloud, blue, soft and angelic. I am now relaxed and peace has settled across my mind. No truth seeks for me my burden is complete. I look up to search for the Gods who speak by winds, and find nothing, what a God he is. Am I an instrument for the divine like a violin and how can I cut these strings to break the cycle of this divine abuse? Are the angels really that kind? Everything is a question but I find no answer. My tragic lost are about to cease to exist, my end is near, it has finally arrived. I awake, its only a dream.
